So, I was dully enduring my daily cardio this evening when Nickelback's "If Everyone Cared" video played on the screen. Somehow, not by accident but by some sense of fate, I was immediately drawn. By the end of the video, I was near tears.
Those tears, those emotions reminded me of unique and rare moments of epiphany. Perhaps it was young high school naivety or hormones gone abunk, but I used to have this "fuck the world" attitude. At the same time, I balanced that pessimism with ideals of how the world should be or could be - an attainable Utopia.
Nickelback's video drew me back to those emotions, ideas, epiphanies that once haunted me. I remember them now and wonder what happened. "What happened?" (A question thrown around so easily.) And, for the first time in a long while, I felt inspired to do something. There's so much more, there's so much more to life.
I have this aching, this hunger to do something. To reach out. To act.
But what? I feel stuck. The world is at my fingertips and yet I still feel stuck. My entire life, people (friends, professors, bosses, strangers) have said that I have such a bright future ahead of me. That I'll be successful. But, I question, what defines success? I don't want the highest paying, stress inducing job. I don't want to be stuck in an office.
I suppose I want what all of humanity craves: Freedom.
The strangest thing of all is that these sudden inspirations have also been sparked by my mother. We had a nice, albeit quick, chat this evening and she revealed her plans for her life in the future. I cannot divulge too much information here, but let's just say that it is brave and life-changing. I wish I could do the same, but I don't think I can honestly say that I will or have enough strength to.
P.s. Do you think dancing is selfish? I sometimes can't help but feel like all this is so superficial and trivial. Why do we do this and for whom do we serve? With that said, I believe in God and I believe that God created beauty. That beauty is seen in everything, and we are more fulfilled as souls by celebrating it.
